Memories
by WritingJunkie
Summary: Tonks reminds Remus of his past and he is scared to repeat it. Rated M for descriptive death scene.


Memories

The door slammed loudly and the umbrella stand clattered to the ground, closely followed by the woman who had just arrived at Grimmauld Place. Remus sighed, knowing that sound only too well. He got to his feet and walked into the hallway to see a rather disgruntled looking Tonks lying on the floor trying to untangle herself from the umbrella stand with the Black portrait screaming at her from the wall above where she was lying. Remus quickly shut the portrait up, picked up all of the umbrellas, and helped Tonks to her feet.

"Are you ok?" he asked, wondering how she could manage to get into the same predicament every time she entered the house.

"Fine," she replied, pulling away from him and roughly shoving him out of the way as she went into the kitchen.

"Tonks?" Remus asked, wondering what he had done this time. She didn't reply; just sat down at the table and stared out of the small window at a few muggles walking past. "What's wrong?" he asked, trying to get her to talk.

"Nothing," she replied, fighting the urge to break into tears. She decided she didn't want to talk to anyone about it, especially not him, so she left the kitchen and headed to her room upstairs. Remus sighed heavily and sat back down. Things had been strange between them ever since the night in the hospital wing where he had turned her down in front of everyone. He did love her. He just didn't want to hurt her. He had done it before, although not to Tonks, and he didn't want the same thing to happen again. He sat back down at the kitchen table and thought about the last time he had allowed someone to love him.

_The rain was falling heavily and darkness was fast approaching. He had to get out of the house, despite knowing she would try to follow him. He had to get away. He stood up and left the house, not bothering to get a coat; it would only tear anyway. As soon as he was out of sight of the house he broke into a run, feeling the pull of the moon on him already. He hadn't heard her leave the house behind him. He didn't know she was following. He didn't know he was about to do something that could never be undone. He felt the moon pulling the beast out of him and he began his painful transformation. He howled loudly as he felt his bones beginning to change shape under his skin and his skin ripping and reforming, now with claws and a snout and four legs. He fell to the ground shaking, grateful of the cool rain falling on his skin, allowing his body to cool after his transformation. He could smell something familiar in the air, something human. His eyes darted towards a shadow where something was moving. He was hungry and had the urge to kill whatever it was that was disturbing the peaceful night and plunged into the shadows, snapping his jaws shut over something fleshy. The creature screamed but it only made the killing more pleasurable for him. He threw it into the air, enjoying the sound of bones cracking as it hit the floor, it's heart no longer beating. Suddenly, the familiar scent of danger filled his nostrils and he ran from the scene, not knowing, or caring, where his legs took him. He knew something dangerous was behind him so he just ran. He ran until his legs would carry him no further and he collapsed to the floor through sheer exhaustion. _

_The following morning, he slowly woke up to find himself lying under a bush back in his human form. He got out from his hiding place from the night before and stood up, wondering why he was so far from home. He apparated back to his house, expecting her to be there waiting for him. She wasn't. He opened the front door and went through to the kitchen; last night's dishes still on the table. She never left the washing up until the morning. Then, his owl arrived with the Daily Prophet in it's beak. He took the newspaper and was about to put it down when the front cover caught his eye. It was a picture of his girlfriend but she was not as he expected her to be. Her body looked as though it had been attacked by some sort of savage animal and it looked as though every bone in her body was broken. His heart leapt as he realised what he had done and he fell to the ground in floods of tears. _

There were tears in his eyes as he thought about what had happened. His mind slowly came back to the future. He sighed and wiped away his tears, then got a bottle of firewhisky and downed half of the bottle. Only then did he notice that it was raining heavily outside and that Sirius had told him to keep an eye on the weather as the washing was outside. He ran outside and summoned the washing to him, already being soaked by the heaviness of the rain falling. It was just as it had been that night; heavy rain that soaked you to the bone in a matter of seconds and he decided to just stand in the rain for a few minutes, remembering her before that fateful night when they had first met in the cafeteria at his old work place.

_He walked into the cafeteria, late as usual. He ordered a mug of hot chocolate and some chocolate cookies and sat down at an empty table. He picked up a copy of the Daily Prophet and noticed Rita Skeeter had been making up more lies about people again. He laughed at just how stupid some of the lies were when he noticed someone entering the cafeteria; he was normally the only person in there at this time. She walked over to him and asked if she could sit with him, which he had of course been more than happy to allow. They had talked for about half an hour before they realised what the time was and he had walked her to her office before having to run to the meeting he was late for. _

_The next time he saw her had been in the car park outside in the pouring rain when he had let her borrow his coat to shelter from the cold and wet weather that was typical of England. They had arranged to go on a date that night and he had been happier than he had been for a long time. _

The rain was falling more heavily by now but Remus still just stood in it, completely soaked by this time. The tears had returned and he wanted nothing more than to be with her and for her to be alive again. He felt someone touch his arm and he turned round to see Tonks standing there.

"Are you ok Remus?" she asked, looking at him with a rather concerned look on her face. She had seen him standing in the garden of number 12 Grimmauld Place from her room and wondered why he wasn't going inside so had decided to go and find out but hadn't expected him to be almost in tears.

"Yeah I'm fine," he replied, trying to smile. He didn't want Tonks to know why he was upset as he knew she would think he thought she was some sort of idiot if she knew why he really wouldn't be with her. She took some of the clothes from him and headed towards the door. He decided he might as well follow or he may have to explain something he really didn't want to explain. 

"Why were you just standing out in the rain Remus?" she asked curiously, sounding a little happier than she had done when she had disrupted the umbrella stand earlier.

"Just thinking," he replied as he helped her to get the clothes onto the indoor washing line next to the heater. She nodded, deciding not to make him say any more as he didn't seem as though he wanted to talk about it much. 

"Remus…." 

He already knew what she was going to say so he said, "I'm too old, too poor and too dangerous, Tonks…"

"But…"

"You don't care about age, you have enough money to look after us both with loads to spare and you're an auror, right?" he asked, realising he would have to tell her after all.

"Yeah…" she said, looking confused and wondering what he was going to say.

"I worked in the Ministry and went out with an auror and she ended up dead. I killed her. She thought she could protect herself but she couldn't. I don't want to hurt you as well," he said shakily, his voice turning to just a whisper as he said the last part, tears running down his cheeks uncontrollably. 

She was so surprised by what he had said that she was speechless. She could see that he was extremely upset by what had happened and she took him into her arms and held him tightly as he cried. After a while, the tears stopped and he held her tightly, still shaking slightly. 

She whispered, "I'm sorry Remus. I shouldn't have brought the memories back."

"Don't be sorry," he said, releasing his grip slightly so she could pull away if she wanted to, "It's not your fault I'm a cannibalistic monster." He sighed, wanting to get rid of the werewolf inside him. All he wanted to do was make Tonks happy but he was too scared of himself to let himself be with her.

"It's not your fault either… I should probably leave you alone… I'm not making things any better…" she sighed, letting go of him.

"I don't want you to go," he said, surprising himself at how quickly the words came out of his mouth.

"You…You don't?" she asked, sounding surprised. She looked into his eyes and saw a scared man looking back at her. She felt sorry for him, finally realising why he wouldn't be with her. He was too scared of himself. Too scared of what he had done and what he could do. She finally understood why he had pushed her away for so long, despite wanting nothing more than to be with her. 

He realised that she understood and looked down at the ground, feeling almost ashamed of being scared of himself. He felt her hand on his cheek and he looked up again, noticing that she was much closer than she had been before. Their faces moved closer and their lips met, Remus unsure of whether to let himself love her or not. She kissed him lovingly and he knew he wanted her but had to make sure he wouldn't hurt her. He stopped the kiss reluctantly and said "Tonks… if I tell you not to come near me, promise me you won't?"

She nodded "I promise Remus." She smiled and hugged him gently. 

He smiled and hugged her back "Ok."

She asked "So… does this mean…"

He smiled "Does this mean I'll go out with you?"

"Yeah," she said hopefully

He nodded "I'll go out with you."

She hugged him tightly and kissed him, feeling glad that he had finally given in to her. He hugged and kissed her back, smiling, as he knew she was happy at last.


End file.
